Everyday Kind of Love

I have been visiting the old home place, building memories with my nephews and nieces, and one day a simple scene unfolded. 

6:30 dinner time; three pairs of bare feet sitting around the table; dirt stained faces; semi washed hands by youthful attempts; Jack's head on my left arm resting from a long day of play; Bear on my right trying to conquer a mountainous triangle of watermelon; laughter all around pertaining to growing watermelon out of ears from the seeds.  I was reminded:

This is love. 

Love is found in the simple. 
Love is taking time to be. 

In the new testament it says that God is love and that "no one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." (I John 4:12) I have always respected the man who wrote the first and second letters of John. His grasp on what love means and how to apply that love in action, leaves me with a desire live a life worthy of intentional love. 

God has many names and I think one of my favorites is Emanuel: God with us. By the simple act of love, we convey a message that people are worthy, desired, heard, important... and that, for me, is one of the biggest ways I see Emanuel. 

I want to love and love well. Do I succeed every time? Of course not. But perfection isn't my goal. I want my nephews and nieces to know that people are messy, life can be hard, but love can be simple --  love can be everyday. 

We are: Loved and Loving

Pursue Joy.

This morning I woke up and looked at my phone and continued on to social media.

It's a normal thing for people to do now days but by the time  I got out of bed and sat down with my Bible and journal, my mind was so full of political memes and comments, adorable puppies, wipe out videos, and friends thoughts that I was struggling to focus on what I was writing to God.

What do we put first in our lives?
Who do we place value on?
How do we show it?

Just some questions I started pondering as I made breakfast.

Go be intentional.

.Response.

My sister read my last blog and emailed me a response.

It helped to hear truth but it's also hard to receive it. 

Anyway. 

Here it is. 

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 

I feel like that, too

Sometimes.

Truth is,

we are all

Too Much

for ourselves,

for one another,

but not for Love.

We are not too much for Love.

Love bears all things.

I wish I could be

Too Much Love

but I will just keep trying 

my best

to give

what I have

to Love

and let that be enough.

Because God never says,

"You are too much." 

Instead, God says,

"My child,

you are enough."

Enough to love.

Enough to enjoy.

Enough to appreciate.

Enough to celebrate.

Enough to sing over.

Enough to pray for.

Enough to hold on with.

Enough to stay for.

And it Hurts

Sometimes I hear a voice in the back of my head. 

One that tells me, "You're too much." 

Too loud.

Too excited. 

Too sad. 

Too angry. 

Too fat. 

Too shy. 

Too awkward. 

Too obnoxious. 

Too calm.

Too extreme. 

Too... everything. 

And it hurts. 

Sometimes that voice is quiet. 

Sometimes that voice is loud. 

But it's there. 

I see truth in the voice. 

Especially with people who get close to me. 

I see the after affects of... Me. 

And it hurts. 

What am I supposed to do? 

Who am I supposed to be? 

I have real emotions inside of me but... Not all of me is good. 

Right? 

How should I control emotions? 

How do I control words? 

I can't. 

And it hurts. 

.To Be Known.

How are you?

Today in America that phrase has the same meaning as any other greeting. Sometimes we switch it up with: How's it going? or another form but with the same meaning.
Now, what do you do if you want to change that?

God has started me on this journey to face my own demons.

It scares me.

One of the parts of my life that I need to face is how to be a friend. I get so overwhelmed so quickly when I think of people I care about or who care about me. Especially when asked through text, "How are you?" I get scared. My typical response: I'm alright, but God is good.
(Always the optimist.)

While that may be true, the next questions are: Who deserves to know more? How much do I say? What is too much? Which part of my life do I share?

My analytical brain doesn't know what to do with such a broad, simple question which probes into the innermost part of my heart and mind.

Thoughts from the enemy whisper successful attempts of guilt and insecurity when I desire to respond.

Yet.

The people who I care about the most and who care about me the most are willing to hear my broken messiness and still love me. This is a hard concept to understand -- at least for me.

My hearts desire is to love people --
to let them know that they are known.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

How can you love someone if you can't first love yourself?

How can you show grace with someone if you can't first show grace to yourself?

Take a deep breath.
Pursue God.  

Overflow

I went back home recently and got to see all my family -- there's 14.5 of us now. (The .5 I have dubbed Lucy) I learned a lot from home but the main lesson was actually from my parents church. They had a guest speaker, and there was one part that I have held onto. Let me try to reiterate.

There is a lot of baggage to the word: Religion.

In today's society, I would rather say that I follow Christ -- not that I was religious.  But what does religion mean?

Religion is an intense bond to the person, teaching, and actions of Jesus.

I want that.


Often we fail in/at something that God wants for us.. so what do we do? Try harder. When we always simply try harder it often ends in us failing... which leads to guilt... which leads to us trying harder. Are you with me?

I do this... Normally I do this when my emotions get out of control. I can be a very passionate person who feels strongly about a lot of things -- good or bad. When I hurt someone I tend to feel like I've failed and I need to try harder to control my emotions.

But wait.

What if we stopped trying harder...
and just
pressed into Jesus.

Out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks. Luke 6:45b

If my life is consumed by the King of Kings, the overflow of my heart should slowly change to be more like Christ and less hurtful. I want to be like Micah 6:8: No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: To do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

But to desire that for myself and yet not feel the guilt when I fail, that means I have to stop trying and press into my savior.

.Worth. Desire. Love.

Where does Jealousy come from?
Why do we yearn for approval from others?
Why can't we simply be happy with the life we have?

I don't have answers... I struggle with this concept when I least expect it. I will be having a good day and then something will hit my heart at just the right angle and... there I go. I feel.....

Unworthy.
Undesired.
Unloved.

To name a few. 

Question number two I actually do have an answer, and it can be found in an earlier blog titled: Desire & Approval  I want to be a human who can stand in confidence of who I am and who I am becoming. I want to not care about what others say, think, or act like. However, there needs to be a balance, and I'm trying to figure that one out. God placed us in community for a reason. Just... what is that reason? I think there are many, and it is important to remember that when we are feeling hurt -- either by ourselves or by others. Typically, after I feel the emotion of jealousy, I feel anger right after. Is that just me? I don't know. It is not something people normally talk about in the common social gathering. Ironic, I know.

Why don't we, though?

Because it's ugly?
Because it takes vulnerability?
Because it could hurt?

I think all of the above.
The crazy thing is, is that if we express our hearts and the ugliness inside, it can be a beautiful thing.
Think about it.

Imagine.
Someone in your life in an authority role. Let's say... my father.
He comes to me one day when I'm home, and expresses some of his fears... limitations...
mess-ups.
I am going to respect him and look up to him a lot more after our conversation than if he would simply keep everything inside.

The same can happen when we express our jealousy. God can bring healing if we simply admit our emotions and try and figure out what to do about it. Like I said, I'm still struggling with all of this. Not in the typical, "I want the things she has." But in the random moments in life that have to do with my heart.

Grace.
I need grace.