And it Hurts

Sometimes I hear a voice in the back of my head. 

One that tells me, "You're too much." 

Too loud.

Too excited. 

Too sad. 

Too angry. 

Too fat. 

Too shy. 

Too awkward. 

Too obnoxious. 

Too calm.

Too extreme. 

Too... everything. 

And it hurts. 

Sometimes that voice is quiet. 

Sometimes that voice is loud. 

But it's there. 

I see truth in the voice. 

Especially with people who get close to me. 

I see the after affects of... Me. 

And it hurts. 

What am I supposed to do? 

Who am I supposed to be? 

I have real emotions inside of me but... Not all of me is good. 

Right? 

How should I control emotions? 

How do I control words? 

I can't. 

And it hurts. 

.To Be Known.

How are you?

Today in America that phrase has the same meaning as any other greeting. Sometimes we switch it up with: How's it going? or another form but with the same meaning.
Now, what do you do if you want to change that?

God has started me on this journey to face my own demons.

It scares me.

One of the parts of my life that I need to face is how to be a friend. I get so overwhelmed so quickly when I think of people I care about or who care about me. Especially when asked through text, "How are you?" I get scared. My typical response: I'm alright, but God is good.
(Always the optimist.)

While that may be true, the next questions are: Who deserves to know more? How much do I say? What is too much? Which part of my life do I share?

My analytical brain doesn't know what to do with such a broad, simple question which probes into the innermost part of my heart and mind.

Thoughts from the enemy whisper successful attempts of guilt and insecurity when I desire to respond.

Yet.

The people who I care about the most and who care about me the most are willing to hear my broken messiness and still love me. This is a hard concept to understand -- at least for me.

My hearts desire is to love people --
to let them know that they are known.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

How can you love someone if you can't first love yourself?

How can you show grace with someone if you can't first show grace to yourself?

Take a deep breath.
Pursue God.  

Overflow

I went back home recently and got to see all my family -- there's 14.5 of us now. (The .5 I have dubbed Lucy) I learned a lot from home but the main lesson was actually from my parents church. They had a guest speaker, and there was one part that I have held onto. Let me try to reiterate.

There is a lot of baggage to the word: Religion.

In today's society, I would rather say that I follow Christ -- not that I was religious.  But what does religion mean?

Religion is an intense bond to the person, teaching, and actions of Jesus.

I want that.


Often we fail in/at something that God wants for us.. so what do we do? Try harder. When we always simply try harder it often ends in us failing... which leads to guilt... which leads to us trying harder. Are you with me?

I do this... Normally I do this when my emotions get out of control. I can be a very passionate person who feels strongly about a lot of things -- good or bad. When I hurt someone I tend to feel like I've failed and I need to try harder to control my emotions.

But wait.

What if we stopped trying harder...
and just
pressed into Jesus.

Out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks. Luke 6:45b

If my life is consumed by the King of Kings, the overflow of my heart should slowly change to be more like Christ and less hurtful. I want to be like Micah 6:8: No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: To do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

But to desire that for myself and yet not feel the guilt when I fail, that means I have to stop trying and press into my savior.

.Worth. Desire. Love.

Where does Jealousy come from?
Why do we yearn for approval from others?
Why can't we simply be happy with the life we have?

I don't have answers... I struggle with this concept when I least expect it. I will be having a good day and then something will hit my heart at just the right angle and... there I go. I feel.....

Unworthy.
Undesired.
Unloved.

To name a few. 

Question number two I actually do have an answer, and it can be found in an earlier blog titled: Desire & Approval  I want to be a human who can stand in confidence of who I am and who I am becoming. I want to not care about what others say, think, or act like. However, there needs to be a balance, and I'm trying to figure that one out. God placed us in community for a reason. Just... what is that reason? I think there are many, and it is important to remember that when we are feeling hurt -- either by ourselves or by others. Typically, after I feel the emotion of jealousy, I feel anger right after. Is that just me? I don't know. It is not something people normally talk about in the common social gathering. Ironic, I know.

Why don't we, though?

Because it's ugly?
Because it takes vulnerability?
Because it could hurt?

I think all of the above.
The crazy thing is, is that if we express our hearts and the ugliness inside, it can be a beautiful thing.
Think about it.

Imagine.
Someone in your life in an authority role. Let's say... my father.
He comes to me one day when I'm home, and expresses some of his fears... limitations...
mess-ups.
I am going to respect him and look up to him a lot more after our conversation than if he would simply keep everything inside.

The same can happen when we express our jealousy. God can bring healing if we simply admit our emotions and try and figure out what to do about it. Like I said, I'm still struggling with all of this. Not in the typical, "I want the things she has." But in the random moments in life that have to do with my heart.

Grace.
I need grace.

My Heart

Be still and know that I am God.

These words have met me in my innermost being. I have experienced many things and loved many people and yet.

when my heart cries out....

Be still and know that I am God.

People are messy; sometimes we get hit with our own messiness and it becomes overwhelming in the midst of everything else. Do you have a friend who feels safe and yet they still proclaim truth to you?

I do.

Sometimes it huts.

I think everyone needs at least one human who can do that for us. We need to keep moving -- not become stagnant. Why is it so hard for us to accept change? Is it others whom are changing or is it me? How I look at life may change, which may lead me to project that onto others.

I need grace.
I want to be grace.

Fighting

What are we willing to fight for?
Who are we willing to fight for?

Ideals, morals, dreams, family, friends, strangers?
 Many different things affect us in a multifaceted way.

We as humans fight for things we see value in. animal rights, open space, abortion, family, education. Then... why is it so hard to fight for people -- relationships? I see marriages dying all around me, and friends who aren't willing to have that hard conversation because they may hurt the other person. My sister, LeAnna, said to me many times as I was younger, "When you walk away, you're telling me I'm not worth it." And now, I've been known to say that to my friends because of how much I agree with her.. years later, when my sister and I talk, it's more common to hear: "just say it and we can deal with the aftermath later." I know that she's willing to stick it. Does God know that I'm willing to stick it? Can I legitimately say: Ok, Lord, tell me, and we can deal with the aftermath later. It's hard to admit it but... Sometimes I'm not ok with saying that to the King of Kings because I'm scared of what I will hear from Him in response.

Be zealous for God. A zealot is a rebel,,,
Rebel for God. ...Rebel means fight.
Fight for God. Why?
Why should I fight for someone unless I know what I'm fighting for? Who are they? What do they stand for? Think about it.
Would you fight for me? How do you know me? Do you know me? Maybe you've met me once or twice; maybe you've read my blog entrees; maybe you're family reading this and have known me for years; or just maybe I'm talking to myself. Yet... the question still stands: how do you know me? Or better yet: Do you know me enough to fight for me?

I guess if I was to sum this all up I would come out with this: 

Think about what and who you're willing to fight for.
Will you fight for God?
Do you actually know God?
When people say things to you, are you willing to stick it out and have that conversation?
Give grace. To you and others.

It's messy, but there are my evening thoughts.

Ebeneezer

Basically... We all need reminders...
and re-reminders.

I looked through some of my old posts today and my heart needed to hear many of the same lessons I experienced so long ago. This started me thinking....  In the song, Come Thou Fount, The second verse says "Here I lay my Ebeneezer, hither to Thy help I've come." The Ebeneezer comes from First Samuel 7:12. where the prophet, Samuel, sets up a stone in remembrance of what God did for the Israelites. They needed a constant reminder of who God is and all that He has done for them. The point being: we are a forgetful people.

 I can't count how many times I cry out to God because I'm confused about my life only to have quietly and lovingly, yet sometimes firmly, tell me everything will work out.. That He's got it. The simple act of trust is a constant lesson in my life -- no matter how much I try. One thing has changed though: I have made an Ebeneezer. One small stone that I keep to remind myself of all that God has done. Kind of like the "wall of remembrance" from the movie War Room  which Clara made... Only mine is a rock.. And an oddly shaped one at that.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebeneezer, saying, 

'Thus far the LORD has helped us.' 

- 1 Samuel 7:12

Paradigm Shift